I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
