after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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