If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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