I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
