I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
