Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
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