Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
