I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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