Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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