ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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