I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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