If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
