Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
