his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
