im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
not ubering you a puppy
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
