You were right. It hurts to walk today.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
