I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
