i was born a porn star she said
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
