Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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