my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
i now understand why vodka
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
