We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Can you bring me the toilet please
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
