i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
