1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
