I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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