woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
