as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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