Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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