im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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