just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Randomize
