how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Randomize
