dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
