I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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