I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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