I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
