I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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