Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
