I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
