So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
