I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
