this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
