You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
