Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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