I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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