Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
