I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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