can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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