I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
