All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
