If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
