I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
